Every four years, I get really into Scooby-Doo. It's like the Olympics. The fall of 2011, much like the fall of 2007, 2003, 1999, and 1995, is being dominated by the Scooby-Doo franchise. All I want right now is for my life to be exactly like the lives of the Mystery, Inc. gang. I want to reinvent myself and rise like a phoenix from the ashes as some sort of beatnik mystery-solving teenager. Aided by wikipedia, I have broken down all the essential elements needed to have an awesome Scooby-Doo life.
1. The Mystery, Inc. gang turn up in the Mystery Machine, en route to or returning from a regular teenage function, when their van develops engine trouble or breaks down for any of a variety of reasons (overheating, flat tire, out of gas, etc.), in the immediate vicinity of a large, mostly-vacated property (ski lodge, hotel, factory, mansion, etc.).
Oh, to be a cool teenager doing cool teenage things wearing cool teenage clothes and riding in cool teenage vans. I wasted my adolescence being weird and reclusive. The new me is going to be cool. The new me is going to wear scarves. The new me is going to talk to people. If Velma can do it, so can I.
2. Their (unintended) destination turns out to be suffering from a monster problem (ghosts, Frankenstein, Yeti, etc.). The kids volunteer to investigate the case.
Everyone has had a ghost experience but me. I feel so left out. Not to mention offended. What's wrong with me? Why don't the ghosts want to hang out? I'm hoping to remedy this by scoring a ghostly encounter of my own. I will soon be spending the night in a haunted house or camping out on a haunted battlefield. Let me know if you can hook me up with a haunted dwelling and/or if you want in on this.
3. The gang splits up to cover more ground, with Fred and Velma finding clues, Daphne finding danger, and Shaggy and Scooby finding food, fun, and the ghost/monster, who gives chase. Scooby and Shaggy in particular love to eat, including dog treats called Scooby Snacks which are a favorite of both the dog and the teenage boy.
Words cannot express how much I love hilarious chase scenes. I hope to take part in one someday. I already have my chase gags planned and everything.
4. Eventually, enough clues are found to convince the gang that the ghost/monster is a fake, and a trap is set to capture it.
Zoinks, I'm already a pretty avid schemer.
5. The trap may or may not work (more often than not, Scooby-Doo and/or Shaggy falls into the trap and they accidentally catch the monster another way, usually if the plan is explained in detail before attempted execution it fails). Invariably, the ghost/monster is apprehended and unmasked. The person in the ghost or monster suit turns out to be an apparently blameless authority figure or otherwise innocuous local who is using the disguise to cover up something such as a crime or a scam.
I guess I have to solve mysteries? This is the aspect of their lives I'm least interested in but I don't suppose I have a choice. Someone give me a mystery to solveeeee.
6. After giving the parting shot of "And I would have gotten away with it too, if it weren't for you meddling kids" (sometimes adding "...and your stupid dog!"), the offender is then taken away to jail, and the gang is allowed to continue on their way to their destination.
I will be able to go to/from cool teenage funtivies knowing that I made the world a better place that day. To sum up, I want to be an attractive/cool/funny/trustworthy/ambiguously high teenager. So, you know, not too much to ask. Jinkies.
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