Friday, October 17, 2014

Untapped Market: I Don't Know Anything About Doctor Who, but I've Got Some Ideas

So, you think putting a TARDIS on everything is excessive, uncreative, and a little gross? 

How do you feel about money, though? Because, believe it or not, there are still plenty of products that have not yet been TARDISed, and, judging from the current output, there are plenty of people who will buy anything if it looks like a police box (whatever that even is). I went ahead and doodled a few of my ideas in knockoff MS Paint, but I'm really just a dreamer. Someone who actually knows how to design a product and bring it to market should probably take it from here.

It seems like Doctor Who fans all need to keep up with the lies they've been telling one another about how they've ~*~ToTaLlY~*~ been watching it since they were kids, and—I don't care what anyone says—the best lies are rich in detail. For this reason, someone should turn small household items into unexpected TARDIS merch. That way, fans could hang up their TARDIS merch with even more TARDIS merch and no one would ever question their devotion. 

That also means they'll need to get some sort of sticker or slipcover for their iPhone wall nubbin. Surprisingly, NO ONE HAS THOUGHT OF THIS. Seriously. 

Someone should design a line of hospital gowns. Get it? Because doctor. 

And I also think we should corner the market on novelty tracking numbers for endangered species.

And the suitcase from Pulp Fiction.

And some sort of seasonal Denny's menu cross promotion.

And inside the Bible code.

Also, auras.

But it only works on people who can see auras.

Monday, May 19, 2014

Started from the Rodham, Now We're Here

All of my wildest dreams are coming true – The Clinton Dynasty will go on forever. It really should go without saying, but Chelsea Clinton's baby is everything to me. I'm honestly frightened that I'll never be able to love anyone or anything ever again. This bundle of joy has the grandest of destinies ahead of it. Iffen my life goes the way I'd like it to, I'll be on Mars by the time he or she becomes the president of Earth. Maybe I'll be president of Mars by then and we can hold summits and become best friends because no one else understands what it's like to run a whole planet.

No, I didn't send this picture to myself from the future. It is just an artist's rendition using state of the art face morph® technology and MS Paint. 

Someday, Chelsea's baby and I will have an Avatar ponytail-like connection. Until then, I've resigned myself to bonding with the future leader of the free world/whole world by guessing what he or she will be named. But I'm also doing it because I love baby names/judging people based on baby names/the Clintons. This ended up being quite the undertaking. I was forced to weigh many factors: power, patriotism, pretentiousness, how the name should probably mean something like 'benevolent ruler', diverse cultural backgrounds, sex scandals, etc.

Possible Names for the 4th Female President:


Meaning: Gift of God - Dorothy was Chelsea's maternal Grandmother's name. And you would be hard pressed to find a better namesake than the woman whose own body forged Hillary Diane Rodham Clinton within its depths. Dorothy Rodham seems like a good place for this list to start since everyone hates their own parent's names. Your mom's name probably sounds like vomit to your ears, but enough time has passed for Golden Girls names to be hot again. 

Sophia is #1 in the United States, Dorothy is on her way back, and apparently your baby's middle name can't not be Rose.

Do you know what kind of person loves charts that look like this? People who had a vegan, gluten-free wedding menu.

I could see them calling her Dory, Dolly, or Dot. To be honest, I can't decide whether her full name, Dorothy Mezvinsky, is awkward and tacky or vintage/spunky/cool. Luckily, this isn't my problem. I'm making a mental note never to marry someone with such an unfortunate last name, though. 


Meaning: Universal - Emma is Dorothy Rodham's middle name. It's super common, so I'm going to make this an official guess to increase my chances of being right.


Meaning: Estate Ruler - There really isn't much material available online about Marc Mezvinsky and any non-felon family members he may have. I mean, dude doesn't even have Wikipedia page. Seriously? I have a Wikipedia page, and I haven't put a baby in Chelsea Clinton. The absence of information is crippling this endeavor because I have to keep mining Chelsea's side for names. As it turns out, when your father and maybe possibly someday your mother has been the president, you'll have extensive family trees all o'er the place. I ended up finding a bunch of ancestors named Hattie on Bill's side. I think Hattie is a really sweet and simple vintage nickname, and Hattie McDaniel is an awesome namesake. 

This Hattie was the first African American to win an Academy Award. 

In my opinion, Hattie is a bit too informal for the birth certificate. Harriet is a solid choice, and it even sounds alright with the last name Mezvinsky. Blammo.


Meaning: Princess - I'm throwing in a Hebrew name because I feel bad that I haven't yet when their daughter will be half Jewish. Not only does Sarah have the right origin, it has the perfect meaning. The Clintons are American royalty, after all. 


Meaning: Pearl - Marc's mother (who does have a Wikipedia page) is named Marjorie. It stands to reason that the happy couple could choose to continue this Mar- family tradition. The name Margot has that dynamic o-ending that's irresistible to rich vegan hipsters, and it's really going places right now because of crazy hot Margot Robbie from The Wolf of Wall Street. 

Who is probably a fine person but it's not really the same as naming your daughter after Hattie McDaniel.

I want her to have a girl which means she'll definitely have a boy because I never get what I want:


Meaning: Who is like God? - I've talked a bit about how a couple like the Mezvinskys would want an uncommon name, but I honestly have no idea what they want. Progressives are actually more likely to name their children something traditional. And I can personally attest to the flip side of that where conservatives name their children stuff they just made up since I live in Utah where we vote like this:

 And name our kids stuff like this: 

Plus McKexlee, Kadestynn, Taigley, Jaxl, and any letter, number, or symbol that can be put in front of 'aiden/ayden/aydynn'

There's a reason Michael was the number one baby name for 40 years. It's the perfect compromise name because it works for diverse religious and ethnic groups. Surprisingly, there hasn't been a president named Michael yet. You can change that, baby Mike Mezvinsky!


Meaning: Glorious Ruler - This is a bit of a wild card, but it's my favorite pick for the Mezvinskys. It's possibly just because it's really fun to say, but the meaning couldn't be more appropriate even if it does have a bit of a North Korean dictator vibe.

Remember how this guy's name was literally Victor Laszlo?



Meaning: Estate Ruler (again) - Henry is a typical hipster favorite that I could definitely see them using. My best friend (who will eventually be replaced by this baby) has a feeling about Henry, so I'm making it an official guess.


Meaning: Father of many - I can't really see Chelsea and Marc naming their baby William after Chelsea's father because of scandal.

Or Edward after Marc's father because of (you guessed it) scandal. 

But Marc's paternal grandfather was a mild-mannered shopkeeper who went by Abe. I 
mean, he clearly didn't properly forewarn his son about deposed Nigerian prince scams, but I'm sure he did the best he could. Abraham is a classically presidential namesake as well, so it could also serve to honor Bill as a nod to both his former position and his own presidential middle name, Jefferson (without actually having to go there).

Isaac (see what I did there?)

Meaning: Laughter - Hillary means Hilarious and Isaac means laughter! Joy reverberating through the generations! 

Sunday, December 8, 2013

She Knew There Were Two

Do you remember that point in the 2008 Democratic primaries when it became mathematically impossible for Hillary Clinton to receive the nomination, but she just kept running anyway as if she had become a parody of her very self? My friend Brendan and I fully supported her decision to ignore reality, so we went to see her at a rally in DC.

And I'm going to go ahead and convert this picture to puppet-us: 

We each had our own campaign poster that we wanted Hillary to sign. When the rally was over, we rushed the stage with everyone else. I mean, she wasn't exactly getting those 2008 Obama crowds, but it was still pretty cray. We couldn't get close enough to touch her, which was disappointing as most of my fantasies revolve around her stroking my hair and telling me I'm special.

She started signing posters, so Brendan took both of ours and passed them up to Hillary from within the depths of the crowd.

As soon as we saw her up there with the posters, we realized that we had created a disaster for ourselves. Our posters were double-sided and identical, so they looked like only one poster when they were stacked on top of one another. We had a shared vision of her signing just one poster and how our subsequent battle over it would destroy our friendship and possibly the world. We started freaking out and yelling to her that there were two posters but there was no way she could hear us over the screaming crowd of old, white Democrats (Obama really did have everyone else at that point).

But we had no reason to worry, because Hillary knew that there were two posters.

Aside: Here is a dramatization of what I look like when I'm handling a new dollar bill at work, and I suspect that there might be more than one. I'll convince myself that one dollar bill is two, or perhaps that two are three, and I waste a lot of time doing it. I also look really uncool and crazy. Everyone does.

End of aside.

Hillary Clinton signed one of our posters, KNEW THAT THERE WERE TWO, flipped them over and signed the other side without missing a beat. She then she handed them back to the crowd in one fluid motion. 

I cannot stress this enough. She didn't even see that Brendan and I were together. She didn't even really see Brendan. She could just tell that there were no more and no less than two posters. SHE KNEW THERE WERE TWO. AND SHE LOOKED REALLY COOL DOING IT UNLIKE EVERYONE ELSE. MAYBE HILLARY CLINTON LIKE WASN'T REALLY GOOD AT BASKETBALL OR WHATEVER BUT THAT DOESN'T MEAN SHE WASN'T COOL, OKAY?

Brendan and I started shouting about how she knew there were two, and it has not stopped to this day. 

Also, blood came out of our eyes.

And Brendan got a speeding ticket on the way home.

In conclusion, Brendan lives in Virginia and I live in Utah, so it's really good that we each have our own poster and don't have to share custody.

Hillary 2016.