Confessions: Past, Present, and Future

I'm a compulsive liar. I figured I could use my blog to disclose my many falsehoods and ease this crushing guilt. 

As a teenager, I would pretend to like bands I'd never even heard of before. 

I no longer do that. Now, I just lie about movies I haven't seen.

In my 30's, I plan to be classy and lie about books I've never read.

Epic Crossover between 'Confessions' and 'Tales from the Projects'

I'm a compulsive liar. I figured I could use my blog to disclose my many falsehoods and ease this crushing guilt. 

My mom:
My neighbors:
Taxpayers?:

I stole food stamps and then lied about it. Sorry.

Back in the day when food stamps were still made of paper, I would steal them from my neighbors and hand them in to my mother. My cover story was that I found them in the gutter. She still doesn't know about this, but she reads my blog, so I guess she does now. Stop reading my blog, Mom.

Confessions: 3D

I'm a compulsive liar. I figured I could use my blog to disclose my many falsehoods and ease this crushing guilt. 

A liar in three dimensions

HUMIDIFIER ENTHUSIASTS:

I didn't tell the entire truth. Apologies all around.

I spend like an eighth of my time talking about humidifiers. My apartment gets dry, okay? Whenever the topic is brought up (by me), I brag about how I have an adorable dragon humidifier and that the vapor comes out of its nose. It looks like it's breathing fire! So cute! Unfortunately, it isn't really true. I do have an adorable dragon humidifier, but the vapor comes out of its eyes. I lie about it because 'eye vapor' doesn't make any sense. I just want people to think I have a nice humidifier. Is that so wrong? In my defense, Target really should have made the mist come out of its nose.

Get on it, Target

I Guess I Gotta Give You Part II of My Confessions

I'm a compulsive liar. I figured I could use my blog to disclose my many falsehoods and ease this crushing guilt.

If I'm gonna tell it then I gotta tell it all.

EVERYONE WHO BELIEVED THAT I HAD A SECRET ADMIRER:

I made some stuff up. My bad.

All I want is for people to think that I'm popular. It's true today and it was true in grade school. I did this thing where I would write secret admirer notes to myself and discretely place them in my cubby. I did it over and over again in different grades and in different states. This great nation is littered with my lies. And notes.

In order to make a letter more convincing/I'm pretty sure I saw this on Arthur once, I signed 'Love, Timmy' but then crossed out 'Timmy' and wrote 'Your Secret Admirer'. I then had my classmates examine the letter where it obviously had once said Timmy. They all assured me that this meant he didn't have the courage to tell me how he felt...yet. Timmy cornered me to say that he didn't write the letter.

I accused him of lying.

Confessions: Part 1

I'm a compulsive liar. I figured I could use my blog to disclose my many falsehoods and ease this crushing guilt. 

PANERA BREAD:

I deceived you; I am sorry.

Sometimes when I am very hungry I want to order two of your sandwiches to-go, but I don't want you to judge me. I pretend to be getting one sandwich for me and one for my imaginary boyfriend. I keep up this ruse by pretending to talk to them on the phone as I enter your establishment and then saying things to your cashiers like, "oh yeah, he wanted chips." I'm very convincing. In actuality, I will be eating both sandwiches. And all the chips. Alone.