A Test of Patriotism

You should sell your Revolutionary War cannonball for 200 dollars on eBay and use the money to buy an iPhone.


No, your absentee father unearthed that cannonball in his basement and gave it to you. Treasure it forever.


It is of literally no use to you and could potentially harm your future children or, more realistically, cats. It will totally roll off a shelf and cripple one of them. Isn't it made with lead or something equally old-timey and dangerous? Get that thing out of your house.


These colors don't run.


You don't need a cannonball right now. You need an iPhone. If ever you wanted to patriotically display a cannonball in your home, you could just buy another one.


You can't buy this exact cannonball that your father gave to you. When he's dead in a few years, you'll regret selling that cannonball. It's the only thing you'll have to remember him by.


You're his first born. You will get more crap to remember him by when he dies.


If you had a cannonball you could do this to your enemies:

Think Tank

I spend far too much time thinking about my future pet octopus. Lately I've taken to brainstorming how I'm going to decorate his tank. Octopuses need a bunch of stupid space-stealing rocks in order to stay alive. This means that I'm going to have to glue a bunch of crap to said rocks in order to reenact iconic scenes from my favorite* movies.

Good Will Hunting...with an octopus

Teen Wolf...with an octopus

Lawrence of Arabia...with an octopus

Speed...with an octopus

*These aren't really my favorite movies. They were chosen mainly for comedy.

We Can't Be Friends

There are a number of reasons why I hate making new friends but one of the biggest is that no one gets me.  I should probably change that to no one gets what I'm talking about because I'm not saying I'm some sort of ~beautiful~mysterious~puzzle~ that only YOU can solve. I'm just saying that it's hard to be true friends with someone who doesn't understand the things I'm constantly referencing. FOR INSTANCE...

If you haven't read Singles Ward Hopper, we can't be friends.

Confessions of a Singles Ward Hopper is the scariest/saddest/funniest thing on the internet.

Highlights:

• How he owns half a plane
• All the stuff about his cold sores
• Made up statistics
• Wondering aloud on talk radio whether the Mountain Meadows Massacre was justified
• "I have thinning brown hair and blue eyes that are so piercing that sometimes I find whole rooms of people falling silent and staring at them as I enter."
• How he met Aaron Eckhart at a high rollers table and told him to be true to his faith

So you've taken the time to read SHW and you're confident about the state of our friendship. Well too bad because...

If you haven't watched Country Boys, we cant be friends.

Country boys is a six hour coming-of-age documentary about two teenagers in Appalachia

Highlights

• Chris can't look up to his alcoholic father so he creates a fictional magical samurai or whatever named Xavier to be his role model 
• OH ALSO when he's upset he meditates and becomes Xavier.
• Cody refusing to mingle after a crucifixion reenactment so he can get his nipples pierced
• Chris starting projects but never finishing them
• Science class
• "My dad walked into the strip club where my step mom was working and shot her and then shot his-self. And when I was 14—no, 13, I took a bunch of pills. I don't usually tell this part of the story, I don't even think my bandmates know this but the doctor said if I didn't die, I was lucky I wasn't crippled or nothing. Well, glory be to God, this song is called 'Death'."