We Can't Be Friends

There are a number of reasons why I hate making new friends but one of the biggest is that no one gets me.  I should probably change that to no one gets what I'm talking about because I'm not saying I'm some sort of ~beautiful~mysterious~puzzle~ that only YOU can solve. I'm just saying that it's hard to be true friends with someone who doesn't understand the things I'm constantly referencing. FOR INSTANCE...

If you haven't read Singles Ward Hopper, we can't be friends.

Confessions of a Singles Ward Hopper is the scariest/saddest/funniest thing on the internet.

Highlights:

• How he owns half a plane
• All the stuff about his cold sores
• Made up statistics
• Wondering aloud on talk radio whether the Mountain Meadows Massacre was justified
• "I have thinning brown hair and blue eyes that are so piercing that sometimes I find whole rooms of people falling silent and staring at them as I enter."
• How he met Aaron Eckhart at a high rollers table and told him to be true to his faith

So you've taken the time to read SHW and you're confident about the state of our friendship. Well too bad because...

If you haven't watched Country Boys, we cant be friends.

Country boys is a six hour coming-of-age documentary about two teenagers in Appalachia

Highlights

• Chris can't look up to his alcoholic father so he creates a fictional magical samurai or whatever named Xavier to be his role model 
• OH ALSO when he's upset he meditates and becomes Xavier.
• Cody refusing to mingle after a crucifixion reenactment so he can get his nipples pierced
• Chris starting projects but never finishing them
• Science class
• "My dad walked into the strip club where my step mom was working and shot her and then shot his-self. And when I was 14—no, 13, I took a bunch of pills. I don't usually tell this part of the story, I don't even think my bandmates know this but the doctor said if I didn't die, I was lucky I wasn't crippled or nothing. Well, glory be to God, this song is called 'Death'."