Epic Crossover between 'Confessions' and 'Tales from the Projects'

I'm a compulsive liar. I figured I could use my blog to disclose my many falsehoods and ease this crushing guilt. 

My mom:
My neighbors:
Taxpayers?:

I stole food stamps and then lied about it. Sorry.

Back in the day when food stamps were still made of paper, I would steal them from my neighbors and hand them in to my mother. My cover story was that I found them in the gutter. She still doesn't know about this, but she reads my blog, so I guess she does now. Stop reading my blog, Mom.

Sneeze Saturday: Week 2

Jess is English and therefore lives in medieval times. While I was taking residence in her house, I attempted to document myself sneezing for the second installment of my blog phenomenon, Sneeze Saturday. She isn't from America so she's never even heard of light bulbs. Sorry about the incredibly dark video which has resulted in myself looking like a vampire. Happy early Halloween everyone.

We shall not address how she is uninformed on light bulbs yet somehow is in possession of an HD video camera.

White Trash Q&A: The Time I Killed 12 Cats

Q: I'm super poor. I can still have a bunch of pets, right?

A: I will answer that question with a story.

Rich people and poor people have a few things in common:

They both own too many cars.

They both own too many pets.

Just for reference, the middle class will only have one pet and only as many cars as they need.

but the middle class is dying

When I was a child and we were "between projects", so to speak, we lived in a tiny apartment where I slept in the living room and my bed became the couch. I had always wanted a cat but we were much too PWT to live anywhere that would allow pets. I don't remember a time when I wasn't cry-pleading to my mother on a regular basis about it. When that didn't work, I convinced myself that if I prayed hard enough for a cat, God would send me one. After my prayer, I got up and checked every nook and cranny in our apartment, fully expecting to to find a heaven-sent kitten.

When this method failed to yield results, I went back to begging.

One evening we were having dinner at my babysitter's farmhouse. They were giving away these little cream kittens and teary-eyed, I petitioned my mother to please let me take one home. That night, after years of denying my requests, she relented. I don't blame my mother for what happened later. We didn't have a lot back then and I think it was so easy just to let me bring home a kitten. It wasn't that I wore her down, it was that she wanted to see me happy. I think I get that now more than I did in the past.

That being said, we were too poor to properly care for a pet. We couldn't afford to take him to the vet and unbeknownst to us, he contracted distemper from our apartment. Apparently the previous tenant also failed to vaccinate his against-the-rules cat. We didn't have the kitten very long at all when we secured a spot in the projects where you really can't get away with having a contraband pet. Against my wishes, my mom arranged to return the now infected kitten back to the farm. I imagine that it was a joyous reunion...the other cats blissfully unaware of what was about to happen.

Will Amelia get her man? Or will Marion get in the way?

What has RJ gotten himself into this time?

Will Max ever get the nerve to talk to Rhonda?

Will my kitten be able to stop Dr. Katz's evil plans in time to save the farm from being bulldozed?

Will he finally come to terms with his mother's tragic accident?

Will Floyd win the barnyard dance-off?

The answer to this, and to your original question is, no.

None of those things will happen. They will all shortly be dead. 

Sneeze Saturday

I have decided to start a blog phenomenon—Sneeze Saturday. The idea came to me this weekend after watching terrible Contagion and then having a family history lesson the following day at church. It always makes me sad to think about people who have died that we don't know enough about. We might be aware of big events, but so many little things are forgotten. For instance, everyone has a unique sneeze. Unless it is recorded, no one will know what it sounded like when they are gone. For the sake of my posterity, I am going to attempt to record myself sneezing. My sneeze shall not be forgotten, but shall live on forever. I urge you all to do the same. Spread the word about Sneeze Saturday.

Let's pause for a moment

While researching how to induce sneezing, I discovered these hilarious, hilarious sneeze fetish message boards. I know they say anything can become a fetish, but sneezes? Really? What is at all sexual about a sneeze? Needless to say, they were pretty entertaining. My favorites are the they-almost-caught me stories because they all involve hot people sneezing from across the room and being worried that your friends will notice you drooling. I wouldn't worry about it if I were you, LuvsSneezes257. No one is ever going to guess that you have a sneeze fetish because it's not a thing.



How Sneeze Saturday works: I am going to record myself attempting to induce a sneeze for about 60 seconds every Saturday until I succeed. Here is my first attempt, I apologize if this awakens anything within you.

To Scooby Doo List

Every four years, I get really into Scooby-Doo. It's like the Olympics. The fall of 2011, much like the fall of 2007, 2003, 1999, and 1995, is being dominated by the Scooby-Doo franchise. All I want right now is for my life to be exactly like the lives of the Mystery, Inc. gang.  I want to reinvent myself and rise like a phoenix from the ashes as some sort of beatnik mystery-solving teenager. Aided by wikipedia, I have broken down all the essential elements needed to have an awesome Scooby-Doo life.

1. The Mystery, Inc. gang turn up in the Mystery Machine, en route to or returning from a regular teenage function, when their van develops engine trouble or breaks down for any of a variety of reasons (overheating, flat tire, out of gas, etc.), in the immediate vicinity of a large, mostly-vacated property (ski lodge, hotel, factory, mansion, etc.).

Oh, to be a cool teenager doing cool teenage things wearing cool teenage clothes and riding in cool teenage vans. I wasted my adolescence being weird and reclusive. The new me is going to be cool. The new me is going to wear scarves. The new me is going to talk to people. If Velma can do it, so can I.

2. Their (unintended) destination turns out to be suffering from a monster problem (ghosts, Frankenstein, Yeti, etc.). The kids volunteer to investigate the case.

Everyone has had a ghost experience but me. I feel so left out. Not to mention offended. What's wrong with me? Why don't the ghosts want to hang out? I'm hoping to remedy this by scoring a ghostly encounter of my own. I will soon be spending the night in a haunted house or camping out on a haunted battlefield. Let me know if you can hook me up with a haunted dwelling and/or if you want in on this.

3. The gang splits up to cover more ground, with Fred and Velma finding clues, Daphne finding danger, and Shaggy and Scooby finding food, fun, and the ghost/monster, who gives chase. Scooby and Shaggy in particular love to eat, including dog treats called Scooby Snacks which are a favorite of both the dog and the teenage boy.

Words cannot express how much I love hilarious chase scenes. I hope to take part in one someday. I already have my chase gags planned and everything.

4. Eventually, enough clues are found to convince the gang that the ghost/monster is a fake, and a trap is set to capture it.

Zoinks, I'm already a pretty avid schemer.

5. The trap may or may not work (more often than not, Scooby-Doo and/or Shaggy falls into the trap and they accidentally catch the monster another way, usually if the plan is explained in detail before attempted execution it fails). Invariably, the ghost/monster is apprehended and unmasked. The person in the ghost or monster suit turns out to be an apparently blameless authority figure or otherwise innocuous local who is using the disguise to cover up something such as a crime or a scam.

I guess I have to solve mysteries? This is the aspect of their lives I'm least interested in but I don't suppose I have a choice. Someone give me a mystery to solveeeee.

6. After giving the parting shot of "And I would have gotten away with it too, if it weren't for you meddling kids" (sometimes adding "...and your stupid dog!"), the offender is then taken away to jail, and the gang is allowed to continue on their way to their destination.

I will be able to go to/from cool teenage funtivies knowing that I made the world a better place that day. To sum up, I want to be an attractive/cool/funny/trustworthy/ambiguously high teenager. So, you know, not too much to ask. Jinkies.

Great Expectations: My Self-Centered Halloween Costume Post

Jess Siswick and I are going on a trip to Provo for our birthdays/to visit friends/to mack on dudes/because it's Mormon Halloween, y'all. Seriously, Halloween is the funnest time to be Mormon. I have a lot of crazy expectations for this trip:

• I will party like I've never partied before. 
• I'll go on an amazing adventure that will define me for the rest of my life. 
• I will meet my soulmate. His name will be Dog, like the bounty hunter. Instead of bounty hunting though, he'll have some sort of job where he wears suits and/or saves lives. 
• I will be really beautiful and young and cool...my life is going to be like a Target ad, even if it's only for a week. 

Since I'm going to be partying so hard, I'll need multiple costumes. For those of you who come in contact with me on the regular, I apologize for how much time I spend talking about this. You have to understand, I haven't met any of these people. I haven't ruined things with these strangers yet! I'm completely in control of how I'm perceived. First and foremost, I need to do my best to look attractive for both facebook and macking purposes. I gotta bring it, so to speak. I gotta do it like the hot girls do. That means heels and fake lashes even though I generally wear sensible shoes and blink too much. I desperately want these strangers my new friends to get the (decidedly false) impression that I am somehow cool, funny, good-looking, and smart.

I have tentatively decided on these three costumes. Here is some ms paint concept art for good measure. Enjoy.

I am not actually going to attempt to make Air Bud sexy.